My Lost Toddlerhood

Thirty‑one years after painting a derelict barn, I return to the site and finally understand the symbolism behind my artwork. This article explores trauma, memory, and the hidden messages in my art. My Journey to the Barn in 2018 The secret messages of my landscape settings become clear to me 32 years after I uncover horrific truths about my toddlerhood . In the summer of 1985, I would place a dead tree near the mouth of a railway tunnel. I would then produce alfresco oil paintings there for my degree show. A year later, I would apply the same treatment to a derelict barn , placing a large plank over the doorway. I would then produce alfresco oil paintings of the barn. My paintings of the barn with plank completed summer 1986 During both times, I would suffer bouts of depression and intrusive thoughts as a man called Aidan haunted my brain. I believed he was a fictional character or a childhood familiar as I knew no one of that description. I would later learn that a half-uncle had...

In the summer of 1985, I spent weeks painting a railway tunnel without understanding why the site bothered me. Thirty‑two years later, after uncovering the truth about my toddlerhood, I returned to the tunnel. It is now 5 May 2018. Eighteen months have now passed since I uncovered the horrific truth of my toddlerhood . I continue to struggle to come to terms with what I have found. Returning to the Tunnel After 32 Years Secret messages to my trauma emerged from the manner in which I composed two landscape settings for alfresco painting. The first one was a railway tunnel and and gate , where I produced paintings in the summer of 1985. Feeling that something was amiss, I placed a dead tree against the gate at the mouth of the railway bridge. My paintings and drawings of the dead tree and tunnel Messages within the Landscape The second setting was a tumbledown barn in a field in the summer of 1986. Again, feeling that something was amiss, I placed a plank across the doorway. My ba...