Understanding My 1978 Doll‑Playing Compulsions Through Diaries and Memory Triggers

In this article, I will explain a series of intense doll‑playing episodes from October 1978, recorded in my teenage diaries. My doll playing habits differed to other girls, no pram, no swaddling nor dressing up. Just bizarre storylines and bipolar characters. Only decades later did I understand my traumatised toddlerhood drove these stories.

My Strange Doll Pantomimes of 1978

Between 1978 and early 1981, I used to create stories with toys. My storylines were odd in that the star, a blonde doll did nothing but lie inert as the other toys had active parts and chaotic behaviour. I now realize I had projected my younger self onto this doll. My conscious awareness was oblivious to the fact that an uncle had lived in the cottage with me throughout 1968 and that he brutalized me when I was 3. The reason for her inert state was that she was in fact unconscious.

How I came to unearth this truth is covered in a separate article.


Sue, of my doll pantomimes did nothing but lay unconscious in my doll plays.

Since then, I have gleaned my diaries and have discovered ‘triggers’ to my compulsive doll-playing. These consisted of reminders to my toddlerhood.

My Unconscious Memory Behind the Doll

Throughout 1978 these doll-playing episodes would occur. This particular episode begins on 17 October 1978 and continues until the end of the month. For reasons not explained in this article, I have come to know that my uncle did something despicable to me in our family pool in 1968. He tore my costume in the process.

Dad built the pool in 1967. My siblings and neighbourhood children enjoyed it. However, my uncle would live with us throughout 1968 whilst the pool was in use. His mother, my Nan, stayed too, so the cottage was full. I remember the pool well and it seemed big. When I was 4, Dad boarded it over.

Also of relevance to this story is our Collie, Lucky. She used to growl at strangers that approached the pram of my twin and I as babies. Lucky died before my uncle came, which means I would have been no more than 2 when she ‘vanished.’ I have no memory of her.

Or so I had thought.


15 - 20 Oct 1978. After a pool incident at school, I'm playing dolls.


Relevant entries from my 2nd diary. I'm going to June's (a neighbourhood girl) & playing dolls.

My Diaries: A Map of Triggers and Patterns

In 1978, I had 2 diaries, including an overflow, as shown from the images. The text circled in red shows the amount of times I went to a girl's house called June, who's dad was tall, dark and had a moustache my uncle. Circled in blue are the times I played 'dolls' and other events of note.

The Swimming Pool Incident at School

So, on 18 Oct 1978 this doll-playing episode began. My Nan, (my uncle's mother) had come to stay on 12 Oct – just like in 1968.

 
I go swimming with school on the 17th. I am bullied by a group of girls because I'm different. After session, the girls chuck their costumes at me. I chuck them back and everyone laughs. The next day, my compulsive doll-playing began.

At this time, I’m reading a book, Shadow the Sheepdog by Enid Blyton which appears to have formed a trigger to writing a story on 26 October.


21 - 26 Oct 1978: I'm seeing June & playing dolls. I start my story on the 26th.

The Story I Wrote: Christmas Holiday House

My story, Christmas Holiday House includes a dog, Brandy due to her colour. With no knowledge that Lucky was tan-coloured, I believe I was tapping into my unconscious memories of her during the writing. Lucky has come to represent my lost childhood, as she had died shortly before my uncle tore my toddlerhood apart. On examining my stories, I have discovered tan-coloured dogs recur throughout, along with themes of death of innocence.

The Emotional Aftermath (29–31 October 1978)

Another trigger that I have discovered is the resemblance of a neighbour to my uncle. He was tall with dark shaggy hair and moustache. His daughter, June often used to play with us, and I frequented her house in mid-October (marked in red in the images). In a separate article, I explain how June's dad triggered my odd digging behaviour on 5 April 1978.


17 Oct - 1 November 1978. I have finished my story.

So, I'm going to a friend's house and I’m playing dolls - lots. On the 26 Oct, Nan goes back to Aunt’s. I begin my story, Christmas Holiday House.

As can be seen, there are a lot of toddlerhood reminders going on: an incident at the baths involving swimming costumes, Nan (his mother) stopping with us like in 1968, I’m reading a book Shadow the Sheepdog evoking impressions of Lucky. (I had been writing about tan-coloured dogs long before reading Blyton's book). And finally, I’m frequenting June's, whose father resembles my uncle.

My last day of playing dolls of this episode was 29 Oct 1978 and I'm feeling 'depressed'. On 29 and 30 Oct, I read my stories and poems to my twin and youngest sister.

On 31 Oct, I write my poem The Sea. This poem, describing of the dangers of the deep, is haunting and troubling.

What my Doll Pantos have Taught Me

On reflection, I can now see how subconscious notions of my toddlerhood are driving my doll pantos. When presented with a 'reminder' of my toddlerhood, I'm suddenly re-enacting my abused self through a doll. She lays unconscious, as I did after trauma.

Related Articles

What my doll pantomimes were about
Other triggers to my doll pantomimes of 1978
The first aid dummy in the village fete 8 July 1978

Overview of This Blog

About this blog
The moment I learned the truth
How I learned about my toddlerhood
My book Mirror Image Shattered
About my diaries
Links to my other articles