 |
| Unconscious doll in my pantos |
Waxworks, first aid dummies and other such effigies would leave me depressed and unnerved for no apparent reason. I now know I had dissociated the abused toddler within me onto other objects, such as Sue, the unconscious blonde doll. My strange panto is described in more depth separately.
 |
| My 2 diaries I kept in 1978. |
Since my terrible discovery about my toddlerhood, I have gleaned my diaries to uncover what fuelled the compulsion for these doll-playing episodes. I have identified ‘triggers’, reminders of my toddlerhood.
In
1978, I had 2 diaries: a tatty 5-year one and an overflow. Some of the
information repeats and some might not be shown.
Reminders of my Toddlerhood
My
diary first reports of doll-playing on 31 January 1978. I had called it
‘muppetshows’. Two days earlier, I had gone up to Dad’s room (formerly the guestroom. My parents slept
separately due to Dad’s illness). His room was accessible via separate stairs so
I seldom went up there. However, I have come to learn that my uncle used to
sleep in that room for most of 1968 and he raped me there. The image below
shows how my visit to Dad’s bedroom spurred me to play dolls a day later. My odd behavior in Dad’s room is covered in a separate article.
 |
| My visit to Dad's room on 29 Jan spurred an episode of doll-playing |
My second doll-playing episode occurred on 28 February 1978, continuing into early March. On 25 Feb, I’d gone swimming and on 27th, I had a dental checkup. Both are identified triggers to my toddlerhood. In 1968, we had a family pool which was boarded-over by the time I was 4. The pool was in use during my uncle’s stay and I know he assaulted me there. For obvious reasons, I hated the oral nature of the dentist’s checkup but over the years had learned to tolerate it.
 |
| I went swimming and the dentist and then played dolls |
The
Past of the House
 |
| 27 March: we talk on the 'past of the house'. I then play dolls. |
I don’t play dolls again until 27 and 28 March 1978. On the 27th, I have a chat with Mum and Dad about 'the past of the house.' This likely would have included the situation of my early childhood. That same day, I'm playing dolls - until late. I play dolls again the next day
On 4 March, I begin a story, The Secret of the Shadows, an apparent children's mystery veiling loss of innocence. My children's stories are looked at in my book, Tales from Daler Cottage.
 |
| I continue to play dolls on 28 & 29 March |
A Day at the Seaside
 |
| On 15 August 1978, we'd gone to the seaside |
I don’t play dolls again until 16 August 1978. This is a sustained period that continues onto 17, 18 19 and continues sporadically until 27 Aug. What triggered such an explosion? On 15 August, we went to the east coast for the day. I recall rock pools and the blue sky reflecting upon the still waters of the cove. Extreme unease crept over me at the water’s tranquility but I didn’t know why. Reminders of our family pool come to mind, but I was unaware of this. We had also gone to the coast in 1968. Beach holidays have always spurred an unsettled feeling. I had a bad dream about my youngest sister on the 14 August, so I was already troubled, perhaps by the prospect of going to the seaside.
 |
| A day after I go the seaside, I'm playing dolls. |
Effigy
27 September, marks my fifth doll-playing episode of 1978. I was already depressed on 23 September which deepens by 26 Sept. The reason for this appears that I'm going to a nearby girl's house lots. Her dad is tall with dark shaggy hair and whiskers. Without realising, he was triggering reminders of my toddlerhood, as he bears a passing resemblance to my uncle.
 |
| Relevant dates of my diary: I'm going to Della's lots then I'm playing dolls. |
This, my sixth and final doll-playing episode of 1978 is a whopper. I play dolls on for half of October. On the 26th, I wrote another story, Christmas Holiday House, a kiddie mystery shrouding rape and loss of innocence. On 31 Oct, I also wrote a poem: The Sea (similarly haunting).
A
strong trigger had spurred this compulsive playing of dolls and of my jottings.
But what was it? It is so big, I have decided to dedicate a separate article to
it, but again, I have found my horrific toddlerhood behind it.
Triggers for Doll Playing
 |
| My drawing of toys completed when I was 19 |
So in all, I would be triggered into reenacting situations of my toddlerhood whilst playing ‘dolls.’ Reminders of my toddlerhood would bring it on. These include: going to the seaside or swimming baths, dental checkups, going in Dad’s room and effigies of my uncle. Odd behavior would accompany my doll-playing episodes which are: toymaking, doing jigsaws and writing stories. It is now obvious that I was creating diversions to run away from the toddler within me.
In
later years, I would complete drawings and paintings of the toys within my pantos. Sue had been mislaid so I used a similar doll, Tiny Tears. Clues to
the times, such as Andy Pandy and loss of innocence has been encoded within my compositions.
I wouldn’t see the messages for decades.
My doll pantomime in depth
The doll pantomime trigger of Oct 1978
