My Sunday School Records: Gleaned from my Diary 1 February to 1 November 1981

The following are meticulous records of my Sunday school activity, taken from my 1981 diary (1 February – 1 November 1981). All entries are (mostly) verbatim.
In order to retain anonymity, I have deleted or changed the names of my family members and I am writing under a pseudonym. For clarity, Eve is my twin.

Mrs. Lackie is the church warden who oversees the Sunday school classes. Delia and Anita are other Sunday school teachers.

I’m 15 when I begin my teaching. Unless otherwise stated, every day is Sunday.

Or Read how my Sunday school teaching reveals my horrific toddlerhood

The diary entries illustrate my physical and psychological niggles about doing Sunday school teaching, explained in another article.

My Sunday School Records: Winter Period

1 Feb 1981 Wore blue cords, T shirt and a jumper. Mum gone to church. When she had come back, she told me she had fixed for me to be a Sunday school teacher at the parish hall. Sat outside on the swing because it was sunny and warmer.

1 Feb 1981: Mum arranges me to be a Sunday school teacher

8 Feb Wore blue split skirt and blue blouse. Got ready for Sunday school teaching. A rainy day. Got there by 10.55am. Watched Anita teach them. Another new teacher was there. Got home with a load of books in Mrs. Lackie’s car. (Later painted a picture of a house which ends up resembling ours).

12 Feb (Thursday) Mum helps me do Sunday school preparations.

15 Feb My first Sunday school teaching. I have 3 boys and 1 girl. Did pictures etc. Mrs. Lackie took me home. I was nearly crying coz the swimming baths was only for families on Sundays.

22 Feb Got ready for Sunday school halfheartedly. My feet froze. Mum was there, asked if my youngest sister Mazie could join. She was accepted in my group. But only 7 children turned up. 3 were mine. We decided to give it a miss (because of snow). I’m indoors all day doing homework. My twin Eve and I play snowball fights & made a snowman at dark.

1 March Got ready for Sunday school. I wore a brown split skirt, brown t shirt and pink shoes. Went to Sunday school. Read a story. They drew pictures. Came home, cut them out and stuck them on background. It was freaky weather, thick black cloud, thunder, lightening.

8 March Got up at 10pm. Mum gone to church. Wore skirt, tights and blue top and hooded cardigan Went to Sunday school after reading Mum’s notes. Did Mother’s day cards with the children. Arrangements were made for me to meet at Delia’s on 7pm on Tuesday. (Later) Sat all afternoon in cords not feeling too well. (Had bedroom table out and did patterns).

15 March Got up to go to church as agreed with my brother but he let me down and stayed in bed. Waited until 11am then went to Sunday school. Rosie (my niece) started today. They did as many pictures as they could of the jobs their mums do. The most is the winner. The kid enjoyed themselves. (Later I took my youngest sister for a walk to the East of the village).

Sunday School Teaching Spring Period

22 March Wore black skirt and jacket, blue T shirt. Went to Sunday school. The children designed some folder covers. One did his Dad’s fags. (Later). Went into Dad’s bedroom with Eve. We puffed a few smokes of Dad’s cigars secretly and didn’t choke. Threw it out of the window. Talked and revised on biology. (The following day I have a crippling period pain at school).

29 March Mother’s day Wore black skirt, jacket, blue blouse and burgundy shoes. Got up to see Mum open pressies…Went to church at 10.45am thinking I was late. Found out it doesn’t start until 11.15am. Eve came. Saw Mum in parish hall. Went to church. Sat on left front pew with 6 children (Mazie) there. Had their Mother’s day cards. They sang in front of everyone and collected cards from church (they were a bit noisy). Got home, wore baggy cords.

5 April cloudy day, cool. Wore grey split skirt. Went to church with Nicholas to see Mazie and Mum in choir. Had no breakfast. Sat in church with a dread of Sunday school. Thought I’d be late coming out of church (forgot bag) so arranged to leave after Communion missing last hymn. Found I wouldn’t be late but to hurry and get bad. Hole in tight, changed ‘em. New girl, Sharon. Taught the Story of the Creation. They started drawing. (Later) Eve and I argue in bedroom because I wouldn’t help her tidy (later). Mum came back from church with large paper and information for some posters I have to design: ‘All Welcome to Village Church when Olivert to Calais will be sung, Palm Sunday 6.30pm’. Dad lends me felt tips. Watched Tales of the Unexpected.

12 April (Palm Sunday) Wore grey split skirt, blue T-shirt and grey jumper. When to church (Eve thought it was Monday). Went with Nicholas. Sat in church Went to Sunday school. Parents of the children came and were seated. Me and Mazie at front. We sang hymns with vicar. Got home, changed into piped jeans. Mum is doing the census. I see my paintings in the local gallery. Nan comes to stay.

19 April (Easter Sunday) Cloudier than yesterday. Mild. Wore piped skirt, blue blouse, grey cardigan. Got up early this morning (7.30am) because I couldn’t sleep. Saw program about Mount St Helen’s this morning. (It was) Good….Went to church streaming cold, felt miserable. Forgot my stickers for children’s service. Popped in Sophie’s car. (Rosie is here). Rushed and got the, got the children’s service, sat on floor most of time. I was at church 2 hours today…Came home, had a thumping headache felt giddy…Felt awful, laid upstairs. Had no tea. Headache goes later, but still had blocked nose. I CAN’T STAND IT! (At this time, I doing a painting called Nature Scenery with Plants which I felt unwell to do today).

19 April 1981: I'm feeling unwell, can't sleep & forget things

26 April Woke up with a shock! Snow outside. All settled with a bitterly easterly wind. No Sunday school today. Day’s off. Stayed in bed and chatted with Eve. (Nan goes back to Aunt’s. Rosie stops the night. I play with Mazie & Rosie. Eve goes to a youth disco; I do word games and quizzes at home.)

3 May Wore grey skirt, blue T-shirt and cardigan. Went to Sunday school. Had no breakfast. Went to the tea room at the back of parish hall (where it will take place from now on). Spent most of time with children singing then a few mins teaching. Got home then went to parish hall again with Mum, Nicholas, Eve and Mazie to have dinner. (Tried to revise later. Can’t concentrate.) Saw a rainbow.

9 May (Saturday) …Tried to revise, nothing could be revised, vacuumed and washed up while Mum went out (to a wedding). Did word games with Mum and helped her weed & plant flowers in trays. Did some pictures in black pen (blossom and laurel)... I’m dreading Sunday school. Want to quit.

10 May I was on at Mum about leaving Sunday school. I went but I said nothing because Mrs. Lackie didn’t look too well. (Later at home, everyone goes out until 5pm). Eve, me and Mazie left…played sardines, 3 goes each. I hid in Dad’s room, under Eve’s bed (squashed behind devan) and in porch. Then we considered having a look in the loft. Went further than expected. Eve climbed up first through opening in Mum’s bedroom then Mazie (both lifted on my shoulders) then I heaved myself up. Light bulb we took with us. It was great. No spiders, planks (divided in two by chimney one above Mum’s bedroom. Two extensions above our bedroom. Got dirty .Went down after a while.

10 May 1981: After Sunday school teaching, I hide in Dad's room

17 May Wore jeans but black skirt for Sunday school. Went to Sunday school. Three of the parents came…A new boy came. He said he likes it. The Sunday school turned out well. Mrs. Lackie said she couldn’t do it without me. Dad saw my poem on The Railway Station and thought I was a quotation of a famous poet.

24 May no Sunday school today because it’s Whitsun hols. (I revise Man for All Seasons then Visit Aunt May.)

31 May Got up (10.30am) wore black skirt, white T shirt then cords and jacket. Went to Sunday school. It rained. Took umbrella. They taught them a sermon Sunday hymn all lesson. Only spent 10 minutes with the children…Couldn’t eat much. Went upstairs, changed just lid on bed vowing I’d revise in a minute. Hours later, I sat on the swing revising Mayor of Casterbridge. Went in Dad’s bedroom. I couldn’t revise. (Later) Felt off with headache.

7 June (Whitsunday Pentecost) Wore black skirt, blue T shirt then wore cords (after Sunday school). Went to Sunday school. Mum at work. Did about Adam and Eve. Got home. (Later I prepare hardboard in my bedroom ready for Butterfly Mural. Dad, Eve and I went for a 10 mile bike ride.)

14 June Wore grey skirt, T-shirt and coat. Went to Sunday school. Did Adam and Eve (last time). A boy took a series of bibles for children. It was good. Most people weren’t here because of Brownie’s event. Found out that Helen and Carol’s mum thinks that ‘I’m great’. Walked home with Carol and Mrs. Lackie. Delia has left (she only did teaching to gain a Guide’s badge) Anita hasn’t come again (3 weeks). Mrs. Lackie needs me here. Got home rather flustered. Wore piped jeans.

Sunday School Teaching Summer Period

21 June Longest day of the year. Got an ulcer on one side of tongue. Wore grey skirt and striped new T-shirt and cardigan. A fine day. Picked some flowers for Sunday school. Did some flower arranging. Children picked some at the back. Anita came in the middle of it and was literally nearly arguing with Mrs. Lackie about what the kids are doing. Got home. Sat in the sun outside on top of the playhouse. (Later I took Mazie for a long walk to a country lane just outside the village).

24 June (Wednesday) Went to church in the morning with Mum. Sat in the choir pews. Went home early. (Later I forgot to attend a meeting re Sunday school: Noah and the Ark. I paint the background to Jungle Mural including the lemurs, leaves and butterfly).

28 June Wore black skirt for Sunday school. Went to Sunday school. Did Noah and the Ark Forgot to go to a Sunday school meeting on Wednesday. Mum at work. Sermon Sunday next Sunday, then no more Sunday schools until September. (Dad burnt the bike shed in the garden. Finished Big Ben jigsaw and another jigsaw.)

5 July (Sermon Sunday) Wore black skrt suit and shirt at sermon Sunday service. Went to church. Nicholas and Roseie came. Sat in pews. I had to sit at front with teachers and kids. They sang the Butterfly Song. A sermon about Freedom. Went home. (Later) Went to Parish Hall at 2pm with Mum and Mazie to a farewell party. Mum made egg and mayonnaise sarnies. Children came. They played farmers in the den. I got chosen. Had visitors. …chatted with a woman. Played musical chairs and tug o war with bell rope. Choirmaster played piano. Did skipping and high jumps…Did nearly 3 sides of Rubik Square…Put my butterfly painting in the corner of the room. Painted a red butterfly & fly agaric. Took photos of view from bedroom window. (The painting is Butterfly Mural)

No Sunday school until 6 Sept for Summer Holidays

(These entries are abridged)

3 Aug (Monday) I go to Port Meriden for the day where the TV drama, The Prisoner with Patrick MaGoohan was filmed. The series, aired in the early 70s used to terrify me due to Rover the balloon entity that would suffocate its victims.

4 Aug 1981: I'm feeling unwell & want to quit Sunday school

4 Aug (Tuesday) I wear a denim skirt. Had no breakfast. Slight discomfort of stomach at morning. Got moody in the afternoon, which caused argument. Fed up but nice weather. Doing 10 posters for charity event to raise money for choir robes and church organ. My twin Eve does other posters. I argued with Mum about the church posters and being a Sunday school teacher. I paint upstairs.

5 Aug (Wednesday) I have disagreement with Mum about Sunday school teaching again. I sat outside in the sun. Fed up. Yelled. Dread Sunday school. Want to quit. Mum said she’d be cross if I did. Plucked up courage to knock on door of Mrs. Lackie’s but she wasn’t in. We had a quick thunderstorm. Had an awful stomach ache like something leaning in it all day. Felt ill, down & fed up. Spent hours doing a painting, finished it.

27 Aug (Thursday) Felt terribly moody. Feel ugly. Long droopy face & feel moody (about Sunday school teaching). Got worked up & cried a lot at afternoon. Went for walk with Eve. Kids are in the pool. They had good time splashing. Sunny. I went on garret roof. Sunbathed on playhouse roof & on deckchair.

29 Aug (Saturday) Upset and moody again. I wear baggy cords. My pictures didn’t sell in coffee shop. My prank on Heath from phone-box is taken badly. Tell Sophie my feelings about Sunday school. We moved our beds for Nan coming. Mazie is in our bedroom. Depressed.

3 Sept (Thursday) Got up earlier than usual. I chat with Mum and Nan. I get worked up about Sunday school again. Went to Mrs. Lackie’s house and rang the bell 3 times. No reply. I later learn her doorbell doesn’t work. Nan sat in the playhouse to knit. I painted tin sheeting for Dad.

Sunday School begins after Summer Holidays

6 Sept Wore black skirt for Sunday school. No breakfast. A bit of dread. Sat in circle with children all the way through. Less children than before. Mrs. Lackie announced that I’m leaving in October (I have only 3 children in group) Mazie has left and the rest moved up. Got home. Got discomfort in stomach. Started period. Not well afterwards. Sensitive. Had Phensic. Wrote story upstairs. Chatted with Nan. (Later) I sat on bench writing story then sat on deckchair writing. Wrote story upstairs. Chatted with Nan. I’m writing lots.

13 Sept Wore skirt and black shirt. Went with Dad and Eve in car to take Nan back to bus station. Went to Sunday school with slight dread for obvious reasons. Met outside Parish hall. There was a historical exhibition. Showed kids round church and parish hall. Walked home with Carol and Helen (Mrs. Lackie on hols). (later) Had a few dizzy spells. Had hot bath, washed hair, ironed blouse and skirt for art college.

20 Sept Wore skirt and T-shirt for Sunday school. Went into church and the children sang hymns etc. I had a go on a Rubik’s cube for Helen (only 6 children came). Walked home with Helen and Carol. I decided to have a crack at my story. Wrote more of story in rough then wrote in best. Mum at work.

Sunday School Teaching: Autumn Period

27 Sept Got up at 10.22am. Wore a skirt and purple blouse. Went to Sunday school (3 in my class). Did about Harvest. They drew pics and labeled names of food etc. Got home. Played with snake’s puzzle (gave Carol my Rubik’s cube solution)…Mum wants me and Eve to be the choir for 4 weeks at Christmas. Didn’t want to but she talked us into it. Didn’t get to write story. Had half-blocked nose.

4 Oct Got ready to go to Sunday school. Went into the church at 11.15am. The children came up front to sing an autumn hymn. Got home. Continued my ink drawing of a forest scene in pen (began yesterday). Did the tree in the corner.

11 Oct Got up (a bit late). Went to Sunday school. There were 2 new ones. Did about harvest. They did leaf rubbings. Got home. I practiced drawing a portrait of the choirmaster for Mum which didn’t look like him.

18 Oct Got up rather late (10.30am). Gave Sunday school a miss. Headache, felt off and discomfort in stomach. Had a hot water bottle.

25 Oct Got up (late). Went to Sunday school. Only 2 in my class. They did about Halloween or bonfire night. Anita asked me and Carol what we were doing as though we were stupid. We had to sing. (Did puzzles at home. I feel unwell later.)

1 Nov (Day 2 of my periods). My stomach felt sensitive. Wore skirt to my final Sunday school. Got dolly mixtures first. Started off with my 2 children but because Anita wasn’t here, I had to take over hers too (8 kids). We did about Remembrance Sunday. Wrote notes etc. then they sat round piano and sang. Choirmaster was there. At end, I shared dolly mixtures between them. Mrs. Lackie took me home.

Read how my Sunday school teaching reveals my horrific toddlerhood

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The moment I learned the truth

How I learned about my toddlerhood

My book Mirror Image Shattered

About my diaries     

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My Behavior as a Sunday School Teacher at the age of Fifteen between 15 February - 1 November 1981

Between 15 February and 1 November 1981, Mum arranged me to be a Sunday school teacher.

She probably did so because I didn’t socialize much. I now know I was different because my toddlerhood had been brutalized by an uncle who lived with us for over a year in 1968.

I was 3 and my adult self was completely oblivious to this fact until I was 51.

During my Sunday School teaching, I had no conscious awareness of my vile toddlerhood but I kept a diary of a life that did not seem extraordinary on face value.

On 1 Feb 1981, Mum arranges me to be a Sunday school teacher

My Sunday School Teaching and A Separate Identity

So I begin Sunday school teaching when I am 15 in 1981. I never enjoy it, but I am successful (the church warden, Mrs. Lackie said she couldn’t do without me).

However, I am mortified to find hidden clues to my horrific toddlerhood in how I behaved whilst I was Sunday school teaching.

Firstly, I am by nature a tomboy, wearing jeans and T-shirts, but when I go to Sunday school, I adopt a separate persona, wearing tights, skirts and assuming a teachery role that was not really me. This was because my subconscious was running away from something vile about my past. I was trying to be someone else.

Trauma Sites of My Toddlerhood

After certain Sunday school lessons, I would seek out reminders of my horrific toddlerhood. Since unearthing the truth about my 3-year old self, this behavior is startlingly obvious.

For years, I suffered intrusive thoughts of a child being dunked underwater or suffocated. I never believed in these visions, for they made no sense. I now know they were flashbacks to the sadistic abuse my uncle had unleashed upon me when I was 3. With this knowledge, I could piece together where the abuse took place.

After certain Sunday school lessons, I would have long baths (where the dunking took place), exhibiting a conflicting feelings about water. (On 15 Feb, I was desperate to go swimming after Sunday school to the point of almost crying if I couldn't go). I went in Dad’s room (where I was raped). I would go for long bike rides or walks with my sisters to the East of the village where my uncle took me and Eve in our pushchair.

For reasons not stated in this article, I know my uncle assaulted me in Privvy Woods at the back of the church. I also believe he assaulted me in a site just outside the village. My bike rides and walks passed the sites of where the assaults took place. Often, I would suffer disturbed nights after a long bike ride or walk to these locations.

So often after Sunday school teaching, I would seek out reminders of my horrific toddlerhood, visiting the sites of the trauma.

I find this strange.

But there is more.

Art Work with Symbols

After Sunday school, I would often do something creative that informs upon my toddlerhood. During my spell teaching, I am doing a series of paintings including luscious greenery, wild animals, butterflies and toadstools. Nature Scenery with Plants (completed 14 – 21 April 1981, sadly missing) features toadstools, butterflies and trees. For someone who suffered horrific sex abuse, the labial butterflies represent rape and the toadstools are phallic. The trees inform upon the site of the brutality. The wild animals represent ferocity. I was unaware of this, believing my paintings were simply pretty pictures.

Butterfly Mural completed during my Sunday School teaching

I am also writing kiddie stories, poems and prayers. After Sunday school of 17 May 1981, I write a poem called the Railway Station. Railway tunnels recur in my artwork and novels. In stories and artwork, I am often placing a plank of wood or a bloodied rag in a tunnel. The meaning of these objects is now obvious.

Sunday School Sabotage

Things would go ‘wrong’ with my Sunday school teaching. I would forget things, feel ill, sometimes missing breakfast or feeling ‘off’. I also find revising difficult. Sabotage is a recurrent theme in my diaries where it appears a subconscious part of me is trying to prevent my conscious self from discovering the horrors of my toddlerhood.

On 5 April 1981, I forget my bag, so I left after Communion, missing the last hymn. What was I teaching the kids that day? The Story of Creation including Adam and Eve. This bible story is ultimately about procreation. “The kids draw pictures,” I had written in my diary.

19 April 1981, I feel unwell, can't sleep & forget things.

On 19 April 1981, I couldn’t sleep and get up early. It is Easter Sunday and I am troubled. Today I would forget the stickers for Children’s Service. We are learning about the Crucifixion. Not good for a PTSD sufferer. After Sunday school, I lay upstairs feeling ill.

On 24 June 1981 (a Wednesday), I went to church that morning with Mum but forgot to attend a meeting regarding a lesson on Noah and the Ark. Not a good story for one who has been dunked underwater.
Frequently, I can't concentrate, can't eat and feel unwell. If I happen to be menstruating on the day I’m teaching, I would suffer crippling period pain soon afterwards.

It seems the themes of Sunday school were triggering reminders about my horrific toddlerhood.

On 5 April 1981 I make my first mention in my diary of “dreading Sunday school.”

Fear of Fear and the Butterfly

Close up of Butterfly Mural

Rows with Mum about me quitting Sunday school become frequent. Mum was an avid Christian and wanted her daughter to stick it out. Looking back, it seemed bizarre that I suffered such terrible dread of…well, Sunday school. Few things could be more innocuous. I was just teaching a few little kids after all.

7 June 1981 is Pentecost, and guess what? We’re doing Adam and Eve again. I report in my diary that I go on a long bike ride afterwards and I feel troubled. We continue Adam and Eve on 14 June. I report of feeling ‘flustered’ afterwards.

5 July (Sermon Sunday) is my final Sunday school session before the summer holidays. On this final lesson, the kids sing The Butterfly Song at the front of church. Oddly, I’m doing a Butterfly Mural at home. I “Put my butterfly painting in the corner of the room. Painted a red butterfly & fly agaric.” I return to the parish hall later for farewell games with the kids.

Butterflies again.

The Summer Holidays and The Prisoner

It is now the summer holidays and I have a break from Sunday school for a few months. Little is mentioned of Sunday school until 4 Aug 1981.

The day previously (3 Aug 1981), I had gone on a day trip to Port Meriden.

Port Meriden was the location of the filming of a TV series called The Prisoner starring Patrick McGoohan. It was a big cult hit, but when the series was aired in the early 70s, it used to terrify me.

When captives of this ‘sinister’ village try to make an escape, a nasty balloon-thing called Rover would take pursuit. Like an airborne mutant jellyfish, it would catch up with the victim and suffocate them. I felt sick at the sight of the yawning victim’s face pressed against the rubber. I didn’t understand the source of my appalling panic.

I had visited Port Meriden, hoping I wouldn’t see that balloon. I didn’t realize Rover’s method triggered reminders of being suffocated by my uncle when I was 3.

The following day, I report of a “slight discomfort of stomach at morning”. My mood darkened in the afternoon and I end up arguing with Mum about Sunday School again.

On 5 August, my stomach ache has worsened and so does my mood.“Had an awful stomach ache like something leaning in it all day," I had written. “Felt ill, down & fed up.”

It appears Port Meriden had triggered the old dread. My subconscious couldn’t face more reminders of toddlerhood brought on by Sunday School.

As for my stomach ache, reminders of my toddlerhood brought on physical reminders of being raped. The result? A nasty stomach ache. I wasn’t even on a period.

On 27 Aug 1981, I feel “ugly with droopy face and moody”. I got worked up and cried about Sunday School again. It was a lovely day. My youngest sister and her friends are splashing in the pool. I sunbathe, yet I felt bad.

On 29 Aug 1981 I tell my older sister, Sophie how I feel about Sunday school. On 3 September, I’m up early and get worked up again. I want to quit but bottled out of telling Mrs. Lackie.

3 Aug 1981. I'm feeling unwell again & want to quit Sunday school

Leaving Sunday School

On 6 Sept 1981, I’m back to Sunday school teaching after getting het up about it over the summer. On the first day, Mrs. Lackie announces I’m leaving on the 1 November. It seemed not even Mum’s stern Christian approach could deter me from quitting Sunday School.

My following Sunday school session is 13 September 1981. I report of “dreading Sunday school” yet again in my diary. There is a historical exhibition at the parish hall and I showed the kids around the church. The back of the churchyard is a stone’s throw away from Privvy Woods where I was assaulted 13 years earlier. No doubt the old photos of the village triggered reminders of my toddlerhood for how the village used to look.

After Sunday school I dose myself up with Phensic against a horrific period pain. I then have the “hottest bath.”

I have a few Sundays left before I leave and I can’t wait. However, the symptoms continue. After one particular Sunday school, I’m painting a ‘forest scene’ in my bedroom in black ink. I resurrect an untitled story I haven’t touched for weeks. I am also feeling ill and sabotage recurs.

My final class is 1 November 1981. My “stomach feels sensitive” and I dose myself up again. I take over 2 classes with 8 kids. “We did about Remembrance Sunday. Wrote notes etc. then they sat round piano and sang.” This final lesson is unceremonious.

I never look back to my time as a Sunday school teacher.

Until now.

Records of my Sunday school teaching activity, gleaned from my 1981 diary

About this blog

The moment I learned the truth

How I learned about my toddlerhood

My book Mirror Image Shattered

About my diaries     

Links to my other articles