How I came to unearth this truth is covered in a separate article.
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| Sue, of my doll pantomimes did nothing but lay unconscious |
Since then, I have gleaned my diaries and have discovered ‘triggers’ to my compulsive doll-playing. These consisted of reminders to my toddlerhood.
Throughout 1978 these doll-playing episodes would occur. This particular episode begins on 17 October 1978 and continues until the end of the month. Strong triggers must have fuelled it. For reasons not explained in this article, I have come to know that my uncle did something despicable to me in our family pool in 1968. He tore my costume in the process.
Family Pool
Dad
built the pool in 1967. My siblings and neighbourhood children enjoyed it. However,
my uncle would live with us throughout 1968 whilst the pool was in use. His mother, my Nan, stayed too, so the cottage was full. I remember the pool well
and it seemed big. When I was 4, Dad boarded it over.
Also
of relevance to this story is our Collie, Lucky. She used to growl at
strangers that approached the pram of me and my twin as babies. Lucky died
before my uncle came, which means I would have been no more than 2
when she ‘vanished.’ I have no memory of her.
Or
so I had thought.
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| 15 - 20 Oct 1978. After a pool incident at school, I'm playing dolls. |
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| Relevant entries from my 2nd diary. I'm going to Della's & playing dolls - lots. |
In 1978, I had 2 diaries, including an overflow, as shown from the images. The text circled in red shows the amount of times I went to a girl's house who's dad was tall, had shaggy dark hair and facial stubble like my uncle. Circled in blue are the times I played 'dolls' and other events of note.
The Swimming Baths
So, on 18 Oct 1978 this doll-playing episode began. My Nan, (his
mother) had come to stay on 12 Oct – just like in 1968.
I go swimming with school on the 17th. I am bullied by a group of girls because I'm different. After session, the girls chuck their costumes at me. I chuck them back and everyone laughs. The next day, my compulsive doll-playing began.
At
this time, I’m reading a book, Shadow
the Sheepdog by Enid Blyton which appears to have formed a trigger to writing a story on 26 October.
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| 21 - 26 Oct 1978: I'm seeing Della & playing dolls. I start my story on the 26th. |
My
story, Christmas Holiday House features
a dog, Brandy due to her colour. With no knowledge that Lucky was tan-coloured, I believe I was
tapping into my unconscious memories of her during the writing. Lucky has come
to represent my lost childhood, as she had died shortly before my uncle came to
live with us. On examining my stories, I have discovered tan-coloured dogs recur throughout, along with themes of death of innocence.
Another
trigger that I have discovered is the resemblance of a neighbour to my uncle.
He was tall with dark shaggy hair and bristles. His daughter, Della (named June in my published books) often used
to play with us, and I frequented her house in mid-October (marked in red in the images). In a separate
article, I explain how Della’s dad triggered my odd digging behaviour on 5
April 1978.
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| 17 Oct - 1 November 1978. I have finished my story. |
So, I'm going to a friend's house and I’m playing dolls - lots. On the 26 Oct, Nan goes back to Aunt’s. I begin my story, Christmas Holiday House.
So,
there are a lot of toddlerhood reminders going on: an incident at the baths involving swimming costumes, Nan (his mother) stopping with us like in 1968, I’m reading a book
Shadow the Sheepdog evoking impressions of Lucky. (I had been writing about tan-coloured dogs long before reading Blyton's book). And finally, I’m frequenting Della’s, whose father resembles my uncle.
My last day of playing dolls of this episode was
29 Oct 1978 and I'm feeling 'depressed'. On 29 and 30 Oct, I read my stories and poems to my twin and youngest sister.
On
31 Oct, I write my poem The Sea. This
poem, describing of the dangers of the deep, is haunting and troubling.
Overview
