Uncovering My Lost Toddlerhood — An Identical Twin’s Memoir by Madeleine Watson

Tales from Daler Cottage is about my children’s stories written between the ages of 9 and 16. The years would have been 1975 to 1982. During this time, I was completely unaware of a terrible truth about my life. I was living in Daler Cottage, the given name of my childhood home. In April 1985, at the age of 19, I would start a novel called The Lessons . This novel was fuelled by a fantasy world that was burning me up inside. For the next thirty years, I would struggle with this novel, oblivious to this truth about myself. The story of The Lessons is covered in my other book. Prior to my novel-writing phase, I was writing mysteries, poems, drawing, painting and devising plays. I kept a diary between 1977 and 1988. I went to art school between 1981 and 1986, all during complete oblivion. I would continue to write and paint for many years to come. My diaries illuminate the circumstances surrounding my creations. Unknown to me, clues to this horrific truth have...

This article is about my novel called The Lessons . Strictly speaking, it is not a novel at all, but something far more sinister. The dictionary lacks a word for what The Lessons actually is. At the age of 19, I made the momentous decision to pen this novel – on April 23 1985, to be precise. I know this because I kept a diary between 1977 and 1988. As soon as I began, an illness cut me down for a week. I thought nothing of it, determined I was going to begin this novel as soon as I felt better. Little did I realise how this novel would affect my life. I kept it secret from family and friends. I feverishly read books on how-to write novels, sitting in my flat for hours on end, eking out a few sentences. During episodes, I would lose weight and become ill. My novel appeared to have no bearing upon my life at all. A psychopath operates in a creepy old house called the Hollows and heads a criminal ring. I was living in a sleepy village with my parents ...

Between 1978 and early 1981, I used to create stories with toys. My storylines were odd in that the star, a blonde doll did nothing but lie inert as t he other toys had active parts. I now realize I had projected a younger self onto this doll, but didn’t realise what I was doing. My conscious awareness was oblivious to the fact that an uncle had lived in the cottage with us throughout 1968 and that he  brutalized me when I was 3. The reason for her inert state was that she was in fact unconscious. How I came to unearth this truth is covered in a separate article. Sue, of my doll pantomimes did nothing but lay unconscious Since then, I have gleaned my diaries and have discovered ‘triggers’ to my compulsive doll-playing. These consisted of reminders to my toddlerhood. Throughout 1978 these doll-playing episodes would occur. This particular episode begins on 17 October 1978 and continues until the end of the month. Strong triggers must have fuelled it. For reasons n...

Between the 1978 and 1981, I used to make up doll pantomimes. The stories behind them were odd due to the role I gave the star, a large doll with blonde hair. She did nothing but lay inert as the other toys took active parts. I didn’t understand why she would lie like that, but almost four decades later, I would come to learn that I had been suffocated and raped by a half-uncle who lived in our cottage throughout 1968. Unconscious doll in my pantos Waxworks, first aid dummies and other such effigies would leave me depressed and unnerved for no apparent reason. I now know I had dissociated the abused toddler within me onto other objects, such as Sue, the unconscious blonde doll. My s trange panto is described in more depth separately. My 2 diaries I kept in 1978. Since my terrible discovery about my toddlerhood , I have gleaned my diaries to uncover what fuelled the compulsion for these doll-playing episodes. I have identified ‘triggers’, reminders of my toddlerho...

Between 31 March 1978 and 25 Jan 1981 I used to make up doll pantomimes. These were recorded in my  diary . My diaries  had begun in Christmas 1976 and would continue into July 1988. Looking back, the storylines for my pantomimes were troubling. The cast of my stories included a large doll with blue eyes and curly flaxen hair; a panda called Collywobbles, who was chatty and popular; Tatty Teddy Bear who was likeable and easy-going; Delia (also known as Big D) who was scheming and bossy; Cindy who was high-maintenance and fashionable and finally Humpty who was oafish and silly. (Other toys took part in minor roles). Reconstruction of my doll-playing. Sue is in fact comatose after being suffocated. There would be no pantomime without Sue, the blonde doll. She was the star, but she had no lines. All she did was lay supine unconscious in the background as the other toys did things. Sit her up and her eyes would flash open with an accusatory stare, angry for the par...

One cloudy day, I went to the village carnival with two school friends and I encountered my suffocated three-year-old self in the form of a first aid dummy in a tent. Of course, I didn’t realise this at the time. It was just a dummy lying on a table. A cheerful paramedic presided, urging us to have a go and learn how to perform the ‘kiss of life.’ All I can say is that the sight of that ashen, bald thing lying there ruined my day. Strong feelings of sex, possession and death swept over me but such words were not at my disposal at the time. The sight of that doll simply unnerved me. How to Perform the Kiss of Life Dummies would spur intrusive thoughts (Necessary Evil Wiki Commons) My two friends simply had a laugh as they had a go. I watched, squirming inside as one of them pressed her lips against that lifeless thing and the doll’s chest lurched upwards and make that spooky hush sound as the air escaped ‘it’. Her saliva dribbled over the...