The
cast of my stories included a large doll with blue eyes
and curly flaxen hair; a panda called Collywobbles, who was chatty and popular;
Tatty Teddy Bear who was likeable and easy-going; Delia (also known as Big D) who
was scheming and bossy; Cindy who was high-maintenance and fashionable and finally
Humpty who was oafish and silly. (Other toys took part in minor roles).
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| Reconstruction of my doll-playing. Sue is in fact comatose after being suffocated. |
There would be no pantomime without Sue, the blonde doll. She was the star, but she had no lines. All she did was lay supine unconscious in the background as the other toys did things. Sit her up and her eyes would flash open with an accusatory stare, angry for the part she has play. If I were a toy, I would be anyone but her.
Collywobbles,
Ted and the others were free to move around and had lines. They were
funny, squabbled and laughed. And all the while, Sue would lie motionless. How awful.
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| 31 Jan 1978: My first mention of playing 'muppetshows'. |
I
didn’t realize at the time, but Sue was not asleep, but comatose after being suffocated
and horrifically used by an unseen force. Merely looking at her made my stomach
lurch. I didn’t understand where the feeling came from, but I grew addicted to
the sensation and therefore my doll-playing grew compulsive. I was actually projecting the used toddler ‘me’ who has been raped by an uncle who stayed at
our cottage in 1968. Sue was an effigy of my three-year-old self
On
8 July 1978, another doll would spur the same unsettling feelings within me: a
first-aid dummy in the village fete. She lay unconscious after
being suffocated and horrifically used. Only, she hadn’t. She was just a
first-aid dummy and I had subconsciously projected my horrors onto her. My
conscious self didn’t understand my rush of emotions.
Later
that year, one of Sue's eyes became wonky after I rough-played with her. This
reinforced the notion of her losing consciousness. How terrible.
Three
years later, I am in my second year of my Fine Art degree course in City University.
I would paint two still lifes featuring some of the toys of our pantos. I
didn’t use Sue as she had probably gone missing. Instead, I used a similar
blonde doll, Tiny Tears. Also included were Collywobbles Panda and Tatty Ted. I included a dog, Toby. The meaning behind the dog is explained separately.
 |
| A toy sketch I completed as a student. Notice Panda, Teddy and Tiny Tears |
Andy
Pandy and Teddy
My
subconscious had driven these paintings insomuch as my doll-pantos. Both
represented the age of Andy Pandy of my toddlerhood. Andy Pandy incidentally, was a 60s kids' TV show featuring puppets. There is no ‘panda’ in
Andy Pandy, but the word-similarity had got stuck in my head and pandas recur
in my creations. Both my toy still lifes tell of rape and suffocation when I
was 3, only I didn’t realize at the time. More about these paintings can be
found in a separate article.
The
toys of my pantomimes would make yet another appearance in one of my psychological
thrillers, North Window. A pivotal
scene features a banquet. The characters included Dr Sui, (a derivative name
to ‘Sue.’), fat men in cummerbunds (like Humpty), a brunette (like Cindy) and
waiters in tuxedoes (donned in black and white, like pandas). The banquet is
celebrating the success of the main protagonist, Isaac. He now takes the place of Sue, as I had grown out of playing dolls by then. I needed something else on
which to dump my subconscious horrors, and it became a fiction character. This
fiction character was borne of a template from a childhood familiar. My
novel-writing, like my doll-playing, had become compulsive.
My
later paintings would feature a lifeless doll lying next to a happy child. The
effect is unsettling as it implies an almost-dead child. Pandas would also
recur in an illustrated children’s story I wrote in my thirties.
Doll
Effigy of Myself
Having
established that Leah represents the comatose three-year-old that lives inside
of me, I have identified triggers that spurred me to suddenly play ‘dolls’. All
are reminders of my vile toddlerhood.
After
gleaning my diaries, I have identified 26 separate ‘episodes’ of compulsive
doll-playing. The triggers behind each episode include:
- Reminders of our family pool that existed in 1968. I know my uncle assaulted me there. We also went to the seaside that year. Rock pools and beach coves often brought unease within me and I would play ‘dolls’ on my return from seaside trips.
- Times that I went in Dad’s room. I have reasons to know I was raped there.
- Excursions to the east of the village where I grew up. I know our uncle took my twin and I for walks in our double pushchair and he assaulted us in a patch of scrublands near the church.
- Moving our beds around in preparation for Nan staying. Disturbing the environment of where I was suffocated obviously unsettled my subconscious and I needed to pay ‘dolls’ afterwards.
- Effigies of my uncle, such as a girl's dad who lived over the fence from us.
- Episodes often coincided with a sudden need to write a kiddie mystery thriller, which bore secret messages to the horrors of my toddlerhood.
Children’s
Toy Playing
I
have since learned that child counselors will watch children playing with their
toys in order to determine subconscious forces behind their behaviour. Had
anyone asked me about the unconscious Sue, I would have felt deep shame and
deny any meaning behind it. I would have talked on the other toys, but not
Leah. This would only have drawn more attention to her.
My
final doll-playing episode was reported on 25 January 1981 after a squabble. On
1 February of that year, Mum arranged me to be a Sunday school teacher. I was
no longer playing dolls, but I would be surrounded with kindergarten kids on Sunday
mornings. It seemed I couldn’t escape the reminders of my toddlerhood. Again, my behavior as a Sunday school teacher would appear governed by a time I could not
consciously remember. This is covered in a separate article.
The first aid dummy
Triggers for my doll-pantomimes in 1978
The doll pantomime episode of 17 - 31 Oct 1978
The first aid dummy
Triggers for my doll-pantomimes in 1978
The doll pantomime episode of 17 - 31 Oct 1978
