My Childhood Diaries: How My Early Journals Revealed the Truth About My Lost Toddlerhood

My diaries are extraordinary because they were written by someone who was unaware that her toddlerhood had been stolen by an uncle who lived in her childhood home throughout 1968. I was 3 at the time. In October 2016, a month before my mother’s death, the message about my toddlerhood would finally get through: via my novels. I would then see the clues to lost innocence stamped all over my artwork, my stories and my diaries.

 
This article is about my diaries.

My diaries. Image taken from my book, Mirror Image Shattered.

My First Diary (1977): Innocence on the Page

I kept a diary between 1977 and 1988. I had my first diary for Christmas when I was 11. This first diary, which was a Letts Schoolgirl’s Diary was small and therefore contributions were brief, being a sentence or so. My first ever entry was on Dec 26 1976: “Went to church. Had a fight with an older sister. She had the blame. Played organ and games, Mastermind and Top Form.”

My 1977 diary

On 9 January 1977, I made my first mention of writing a story: Solomy’s Treasure. Throughout the late 70s, I would write several children's mysteries which I read to my twin Eve and my youngest sister Mazie. I believed they were innocent tales of children uncovering secrets. Only after I had awakened to my horrific past, would I see hidden messages beneath each tale that give clues to my horrific toddlerhood.

This is what makes my diaries extraordinary. They were penned by a child who was totally unaware that she had been brutalised nine years before these diaries began.

My 1978 Diaries: Two Books, One Unseen Truth

My 1978 diaries

In 1978, I got a 5-year diary which again permitted little room on each day to say much, so I got a second diary which offered a little more room. I therefore kept 2 diaries in 1978. The pages describe my first year at senior school. I am now 12. They do not describe the intrusive thoughts I had suffered throughout my childhood, as I had explained them to a vivid imagination. I did not realize I was also sleeping in the very same bed linked to something deeply wrong.

My 1979 Diary: Weather Logs and Emotional Storms

My 1979 diary

I continued to keep my 5-year diary, which was by now getting tatty. It seemed I didn’t bother to get a second diary this time, so contributions were brief, yet revealing. On 21 July 1979, I began a weather log. I would keep bar readings, clouds and precipitation. On 21 July 1979 I wrote: “Very dull at first then started to clear to a sunny morning at 10.10am but clouded again to a dull afternoon though dry. Brightened and cleared by evening.” I would continue to keep fastidious weather records for several years from my mini weather station.

Pretty routine some might say, however, my obsession with the weather (particularly hurricanes and tornadoes) would be due to the horrors of my toddlerhood.

My 1980 Diary: The Shift to Detailed Journaling

 

My 1980 diary

I gave up on my 5-year diary in 1980, having a new but very small diary for Christmas. I got so fed up with cramming the day’s events in this diary that on 20 July 1980, I used A4 lined paper instead.

From the 20th July 1980 onwards, my diary-keeping would become detailed. I would record the weather, what I wore, what I ate, my moods and much more. My first contribution would be:

“Sunday 20 July 1980: “I wore brown cords and a black short-sleeved woolly top. Weetabix for breakfast, pizza, new potatoes and peas for dinner. Blackberry and apple pie with cream for pud. I had cheese and tomato sandwiches for tea.”

And for the day’s events, I would write: “I got up late this morning and washed hair first thing then we sat in the veranda (a lean-to Dad built) and listened to a sister's cassettes then I went upstairs while Mazie was out at a party to record songs that I liked. I had recorded a total of 27 songs. My periods were finishing.”

I would continue to keep fastidious records in this way throughout 1980 and until 20 July 1988.

My 1981–1983 Diaries: Art School and My Secret Familiar

My 1981 Diary

Mum noticed I was keeping a large diary, so in Christmas 1980 she got me a Dataday Appointment Diary which was A5 with a page dedicated for each day. My diary-writing continued to be very detailed. I continued to write what I wore, what I ate, the weather, my moods and the events of the day. I had left school in July 1981 and I would begin Art College in September.


My 1982 diary

For Christmas, Mum got me an even bigger diary for 1982, A4 in size, which was a pain, as it was too big for what I wanted. However, I managed to fill each page. Here, I kept records of the music charts, what I took on holidays and much more. Every day was very detailed and bizarrely would prove revealing about my vile toddlerhood. This is partly due to my artwork I had completed for my Art Diploma.

My 1983 diary.

As 1983 approaches, I must have told Mum that the A4-sized 1982 diary was too big, as I had reverted back to the more practical A5 size. However, I added 3 notebooks: a chart book (for music charts), a weather book (readings from my weather station) and a mood book (detailing my moods, periods and health etc.)

In Sept 1983, I would move away from home to begin my degree in Fine Art in City University. My artwork would become a big part of my life and as a result I would suffer distressing intrusive thoughts due to the messages trickling through my art work about my horrific toddlerhood. That spring, I had begun to draw a man’s face in the margins of notebooks not knowing who he was. I mistook him for a childhood familiar or a fictional character that I would later write about in a novel which I called The Lessons. I had explained my depression to homesickness.

My 1984–1985 Diaries: Depression, a Fantasy World, and First Novel

My 1984 Diary

I am no longer keeping weather records or of what I ate and wore, but simply about my thoughts and events. I am no longer a church-going schoolgirl but an angry and horribly troubled teen who doesn’t understand herself. My handwriting had become scruffy with swear words and suicidal thoughts. A burning fantasy world had been haunting me for months. I would keep these thoughts to myself through shame.

My 1985 diary

I now have an A5 sized Letts diary which describes my descent into full-blown depression. I bleach my hair, smoke and have bouts of social drinking. I almost quit university but the head of art department talked me into staying. I had almost thrown my life away to become a dropout living at home where I my childhood had been stolen.

 
I keep to a routine of going to university and painting every day in a bid to survive. How could I have believed that I was simply homesick? In April 23 1985, I would make the momentous decision to write a novel about the man I kept drawing. This novel would describe the burning fantasy world that continued to haunt me. No one but my identical twin Eve knew about it.

My 1986–1987 Diaries: Returning Home to a Dark Past

My 1986 diary

I stick to my Fine Art Degree course but my handwriting is as scruffy as ever and suicidal thoughts are crowding in. I can’t wait to leave University, blaming my depression on homesickness. However, moving back home would prove to be the worst year of my life since my toddlerhood. My siblings by now have left home and I am sleeping alone in a room tied to a devastating event from my toddlerhood. A part of me knew the truth, but my conscious awareness couldn't see it.

My 1987 diary

This is worst year of my diary-writing period. I’m unemployed and living back home. My older siblings and my twin have left home and I am now sleeping alone in a room where horrors have occurred to my toddlerhood. I’m feverishly writing my novel, The Lessons describing my secret fantasy world and the man I keep drawing. I’m keeping my project secret through shame. The cottage is shabby and there are constant rows between my parents and younger sister, Mazie. I move into a grotty bedsit in desperation. I then hook up with an old flame from art college and get married in the October.

My Final Diary (1988): Before Everything Went Quiet

My 1988 diary

My final diary starts to die its final breath on 5 July 1988, I believed due to a bad row between my twin Eve and myself during a wedding reception. My final entry occurs on the 20 July 1988. I am living in a flat with my husband and I am still writing my secret novel. I visit the cottage of my childhood and feel crippling grief not understanding why. I continue to suffer intrusive thoughts that are wrongly explained and I would continue to fail to see the truth about my toddlerhood for 28 years. 21 October 2016 was the day I would finally see the truth.

This summarizes my diaries. However, they would reveal much more than this post can show.

Relevant Posts on this Blog

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