Part 6: The Somatic Memory That Pointed Back to My Toddlerhood

A near‑death experience in toddlerhood has left deep emotional and psychological scars. Only decades later would I piece the clues of my fractured life. Until then, I have yet to uncover something truly terrible about my past.

The Return to the Cottage

At the age of 4, my twin and I squabbled over orange juice and I threw a glass bottle at her. On seeing blood coating the lower part of her face, I had dashed out of the back door in terror. Some hours later, I would return to find her unconscious on Mum’s lap, her face linen-white and a black scar tracking her hairline.

The Comatose State

The resultant concoction of emotions had overwhelmed me. My shame for starters was horrendous. But I had also seen a man’s face rise in my chest. The image was as clear as a photograph and I was later to learn that I had experienced a somatic memory. This means a body part has release the memory rather than the brain alone.


My somatic memory of a man's face in my chest

Seeing my Comatose Self

With this odd experience, I had felt sullied and guilty for some reason. Being only 4, I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal. I explained the vision to representing Mum’s disdain for me after what I had done to Eve. I had become outcast like the weirdo on the bus that Mum deemed a threat to her beloved children. No longer was I welcome in her cottage. I had become like an outsider.

I believed this for almost five decades, for I didn’t know who the man was. But the answer would be found in Eve’s state, which was comatose.

This abridged excerpt from my book Mirror Image Shattered explains.

“I entered the cottage to see Mum holding an unconscious Eve in her arms. I could tell Eve was not simply asleep, but unconscious. Eve looked waxy white, her eyelids sunken and her body flaccid. I had never seen such inertia within anyone before, let alone in my twin who normally could never sit still.
Her sleep was not normal. It was frighteningly deep."

 
It was then that I saw a man’s face rise in my chest. With this I experienced deep shame and a sullied feeling.

My Novels Holding Clues

For years after, I hated seeing Eve sleeping in that position. I would get this strange notion that she was vulnerable and that her body wasn’t hers anymore.

 
Years later, my toy pantos would includes a blonde doll in a supine position apparently unconscious, while the other toys did and said things. I would feel unsettled at the sight of her, yet I couldn’t look away.”

 

The Man in My Chest

Who was the man that I saw in my chest when I saw Eve unconscious? Years later, I would be gleaning my so-called novels after discovering they held clues to the day Eve cut her face. Recurrent elements of broken glass, disfigured faces, blood and characters fleeing to a hideout had proved the case. How hadn’t I noticed this whilst I was writing? It appeared traumatic events stored in my subconscious had seeped into the plotlines of my stories without my awareness.

No longer would I see my novels as novels, but documents that held clues to my childhood trauma.

So, I have been feverishly gleaning my novels, noting down scenes that held relevance to Eve’s accident. It is then that I discover another element in my final novel, Nadia that had nothing to do with that day.

I am about to identify the man whom I had seen in my chest.

And I am about to discover the day Eve cut her face forms the porthole to a darker truth about my toddlerhood.

Part 7: Black Hole in the Dark Or go back to part 5

About this blog
The moment I learned the truth
How I learned about my toddlerhood
My book Mirror Image Shattered
About my diaries
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