Of course, I didn’t realise this at the time. It was
just a dummy lying on a table. A cheerful paramedic presided, urging us to have
a go and learn how to perform the ‘kiss of life.’
All I can say is that the sight of that ashen, bald thing lying there ruined my day. Strong
feelings of sex, possession and death swept over me but such words were not
at my disposal at the time. The sight of that doll simply unnerved me.
How to Perform the Kiss of Life
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| Dummies would spur intrusive thoughts (Necessary Evil Wiki Commons) |
My two friends simply had a laugh as they had a go. I watched, squirming inside as one of them pressed her lips against that lifeless thing and the doll’s chest lurched upwards and make that spooky hush sound as the air escaped ‘it’.
Her saliva dribbled over the doll’s chops and I had to look away. The sight not only depressed me, but left me horribly
disturbed. Once my second friend had a go and the paramedic praised their good
efforts, they urged me to step forwards. Dismay overwhelmed me at the
idea of even touching that doll. The paramedic, in a friendly manner
assured me it was ok and that I was learning an important skill. But I just couldn’t go near it.
I felt embarrassed as confusion crossed their faces. I
was confused at myself. Little did I twig that I had a doll at home, Sue, of my odd doll pantos that played a part similar to that first aid dummy.
Looking back, my intense aversion must have seemed odd.
It was just a first aid dummy after all and my friends were having a laugh.
What I didn’t know was that I had been suffocated and raped by a half-uncle when I
was three. My disturbed feelings were due to 'seeing myself' lying there. How I came to know this is covered in a separate article.
 |
| My diary entries of 8 and 9 July 1978 |
My Diaries
In 1978, I had 2 diaries: a tatty 5-year diary and
an overflow diary. Sometimes, I would repeat myself in both diaries, as can be
seen in the images above.
The round-up of my diary entries of 8 July 1978 had
been, “Went to the recreation grounds
with Jill and Karen. Eve (my twin) didn’t
come. Had 2 goes on moon walk. Had sweets and drinks. I was sad though. Came
home and it drizzled for the rest of the afternoon.”
There is no mention of that first aid dummy but of my
sadness. A subconscious part of me had experienced grief at encountering my used, unconscious toddler self and how her innocence had been ripped to shreds.
The Dead Twin
The next day, 9 July 1978, I visited Granddad’s and we
went to his sister’s, my great Aunt Vi and her husband, Uncle Harry. I
wrote in my diary, “Went to Uncle Harry’s
and Aunt Violet. (Her twin died, Auntie Lily). A sunny day.” Aunt Vi and Lily were non-identical twin sisters, whereas Eve and I are identical.
So, I
had written the words, “twin died” a day after seeing my almost-dead self in
that tent. This coincidence is awful and must have contributed to my ongoing
depression.
My twin and I came away with a coleus plant each which we kept on our bedroom window sill. Dad would then plant them into bigger pots on 16 August 1978, the same day as I would play one of my odd doll pantos featuring a suffocated doll, Sue.
My twin and I came away with a coleus plant each which we kept on our bedroom window sill. Dad would then plant them into bigger pots on 16 August 1978, the same day as I would play one of my odd doll pantos featuring a suffocated doll, Sue.
At
the time, I had endless story-lines in my head. One of them years later had been a woman
giving a choking man the kiss of life. I would eventually include this scene within
a novel which I called Nadia. It was the
reading of Nadia that ultimately brought
my horrific toddler memories to the surface when I was 51.
Waxworks
Triggering Intrusive Thoughts
Until
then, unexplained intrusive thoughts would plague me after I visited waxworks museums
or torture chambers like Madame Tussauds, Blackpool and Great Yarmouth. I didn’t
recognize the triggers.
The
first such trigger that I had recorded in my diary was that of the first aid
dummy in the tent of the village carnival on 8 July 1978.
My odd doll pantos
My odd doll pantos
Overview
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