MY LOST TODDLERHOOD

Thirty‑one years after painting a derelict barn, I return to the site and finally understand the symbolism behind my artwork. This article explores trauma, memory, and the hidden messages in my art. My Journey to the Barn in 2018 The secret messages of my landscape settings become clear to me 32 years after I uncover horrific truths about my toddlerhood . In the summer of 1985, I would place a dead tree near the mouth of a railway tunnel. I would then produce alfresco oil paintings there for my degree show. A year later, I would apply the same treatment to a derelict barn , placing a large plank over the doorway. I would then produce alfresco oil paintings of the barn. My paintings of the barn with plank completed summer 1986 During both times, I would suffer bouts of depression and intrusive thoughts as a man called Aidan haunted my brain. I believed he was a fictional character or a childhood familiar as I knew no one of that description. I would later learn that a half-uncle had ...

In the summer of 1985, I spent weeks painting a railway tunnel without understanding why the site bothered me. Thirty‑two years later, after uncovering the truth about my toddlerhood, I returned to the tunnel. It is now 5 May 2018. Eighteen months have now passed since I uncovered the horrific truth of my toddlerhood . I continue to struggle to come to terms with what I have found. Returning to the Tunnel After 32 Years Secret messages to my trauma emerged from the manner in which I composed two landscape settings for alfresco painting. The first one was a railway tunnel and and gate , where I produced paintings in the summer of 1985. Feeling that something was amiss, I placed a dead tree against the gate at the mouth of the railway bridge. My paintings and drawings of the dead tree and tunnel. Images taken from my book, Mirror Image Shattered . Messages within the Landscape The second setting was a tumbledown barn in a field in the summer of 1986. Again, feeling that something was...

In my early twenties, I painted two landscapes — a railway tunnel and a derelict barn. Decades later, after recovering the truth about my toddlerhood, I realised these paintings contained secret messages from my subconscious.” In the summer of 1985, I produced alfresco oil paintings of a railway tunnel for my degree year at City University. In the summer of 1986, I produced on site oil paintings of a tumbledown barn in a barley field. Clues in My Paintings Exposed My Buried Trauma In both instances, I felt something was missing. In the case of the railway tunnel, I placed a dead tree over a gate located at the tunnel mouth. In the case of the tumbledown barn, I placed a plank over the doorway. I experienced a ‘click’ in my head after adding these elements. During both summers, I suffered terrible depression, intrusive thoughts and disturbed nights. I was also working on a novel, The Lessons (originally titled The Upstairs Room ). A burning fantasy world consumed my days fuelling m...

It is 15 July 1986 and I am 21. I have just graduated from City University with a degree in Fine Art with Hons. I had almost failed due to the lowest dissertation mark of my group. However, the strength of my paintings had earned me an upper-second. My degree show had comprised studio pieces taken from alfresco oil paintings of a bridge, gate and dead tree scene just outside our village.   Still, I am pleased about my degree result. My 1986 Paintings Reveals My Past Excerpts of the following have been taken from my memoir book, Mirror Image Shattered . I am now living back home, am on the dole with no boyfriend. I am also struggling with my novel The Lessons , which I had been working on since 23 April 1985. With nothing else to focus my mind on, I decide to have a go at another stint of alfresco oil paintings like last summer. I focus my mind upon the Stables Farm at the bottom of our road. Dad knows the owners and had asked permission for us to trek over the fields there. The D...

In the summer of 1985, I spent weeks painting a railway tunnel without understanding why the site unsettled me.  This is a true story about secret messages in my landscape paintings . The journey is dark, but the outcome is unexpected and heartening. Introduction: The Summer That Haunted Me The following is sources from my memoir book, Mirror Image Shattered . It is late August 1985. I’m 20 and about to begin my third and final year at University. The summer holidays are coming to a close and I have no idea what I’m going to paint for my Fine Art degree show. I’m beginning to feel tetchy. Dad tells me of a railway tunnel where he takes the dog for a walk. It might be a good spot for alfresco paintings. On 23 August 1985, I accompany him to encounter an old railway bridge with a cattle gate. It seems ok, but something is missing. I mention this to Dad, but he doesn’t see what I mean. He likes the site and believes it has everything needed for good landscape painting. The Railway T...

At the age of 14, I began to draw a man’s face. The man had broad features, shaggy dark hair and a fierce glower. I didn’t know where he came from. Before long, I was compulsively drawing this man in the margins of sketchbooks and puzzlers. When I was bored or when life seemed to hold little meaning, I would draw him. I disliked and feared him yet I sensed he needed something from me. As no one of that description lived with us, I assumed he was a fictional character. Aidan who was never a childhood familiar. My book The Lessons analyses my novel. The Drawings That Haunted My Adolescence Before long, something psychologically dangerous happened.   I imagined living his life and I put myself in his shoes. I injected part of myself behind his face. As a result, my feelings for this man grew conflicting. My dislike for him remained but now I felt guilty and responsible for him. I even cared about him. This is because I had placed my humanity behind the face of a man who was in fac...