Prologue: The Beliefs I Held Before Discovering the Truth About My Toddlerhood

A look at the beliefs that shaped my identity before discovering the truth about my childhood and the memories buried beneath it.

Up until 25 October 2016 at the age of 51, I believed I knew everything about my past.

I am about to uncover something truly horrific about my toddlerhood. The circumstances that led to this discovery are somewhat complex but incredible. All of it is true. This condensed version is told in 10 parts following this prologue. However, the full story can be found within my book, Mirror Image Shattered.

This is what I thought I knew about myself until the age of 51.

My Family and Early Identity

I am an identical twin and daughter to troubled but well-meaning parents. The cottage that I grew up in was cramped, as I have four other siblings and we had little money. But Dad knew about basic renovation and he built an extension with a guestroom where Nan used to stay.

Childhood Memoir Prologue: Where it all Began

When I was 4, Dad quit the family business and worked nights for an electrical company. But the brutal hours proved too much and he became mentally ill. We were plunged into abject poverty. Soon, he developed psychotic episodes with violent outbursts and an addiction to tranquilizers. Being so ill, he took the guestroom and Nan could no longer stay there.

The following is an excerpt from Mirror Image Shattered:

"Mum appeared the survivor under adversity. She was a fierce, matriarchal, and overprotective woman who upheld routine such as school and church. On a severe budget, she made her purse-strings go for miles and performed miracles at Christmases and birthdays."

Of course, I looked up to her.

But of all my siblings, I resembled Dad the most. When I was disobedient, Mum used to tell me I was just like him. It hurt, but I could see the resemblance for myself. I shared his features, his demeanour and creative inclinations. Worse, I feared I would become mentally ill like him and be a bad parent myself. For this reason, I didn’t start a family until my late thirties.

My Diary Years

A chaotic childhood with a mentally ill parent appeared to explain my lifelong intrusive thoughts and a dirty-blame feeling that used to afflict me for weeks on end. No one but my twin Eve knew about it, for these experiences so distressed me.


My diaries contain lots of information throughout the late seventies and eighties

The diaries I kept between 1977 and 1988 allude to my inner turmoil for the numerous diversions I employed: oil painting, jigsaws, toy-making, doll pantos, a weather project, astronomy, entertaining younger siblings and many more. But novel writing in particular was the most prevalent. I had a secret childhood familiar called Aidan whom I kept drawing and who lived within an alternative reality within me. In my teens, my kiddie mysteries would evolve into psychological thrillers fuelled by his fate within my secret fantasy world.

The following is an abridged excerpt from Mirror Image Shattered.

“My diary shows my weather readings, stuff about my exams, degree, jobs, moving house and details of literary agents. At times, I seem a bit of a sad-case, moaning about my periods, turbulent social life and boyfriends.

 
Between the pages, I could tell I struggled with growing up within a hectic household. I had the sense of living a boot-camp of emotional experiences - highs as well as lows."

My Teenage Years

The cottage-times were rather Jekyll and Hyde. When times were good, they were great, when they were bad, they were terrible, but being an identical twin formed a buffer for whatever life had to throw at me.

My challenging childhood toughened me into adulthood, developing a down-to-earth and practical approach. Being close to my siblings, we often reminisce on the good times: the playhouse, bike rides, Christmases and family gatherings. But rose-tinted glasses can be misleading.

My Adulthood

So, I thought I had turned out ‘ok’ after a difficult start in life. I had attained a BA Fine Art Degree from City University, held several jobs, married an art student Mark and maintained a flat. I continued writing and painting and even made a little money from it.

My life finally settled down 2 years after my divorce from Mark. I am at present living contentedly with my partner Paul and three children. I had laid to rest old childhood grievances and received a spot of counseling for my intrusive thoughts. I have also proved to myself, that I can be a decent parent after all.

The Turning Point in My Life

So how did I uncover the pain of my toddlerhood? This story is a little complex and is told in 10 parts following this prologue. This next part explains how it all began.

In order to protect identities, I have changed names and certain details, but this story is otherwise entirely accurate. Part 1 begins the journey.

Part 1: A Day at the Beach

About this blog
The moment I learned the truth
How I learned about my toddlerhood
My book Mirror Image Shattered
About my diaries
Links to my other articles