Prologue: My Beliefs Before Discovering the Truth About My Toddlerhood

If you’re new to my writing, this page is the best place to begin. I am an author, artist, diarist, archivist and researcher. I was born in 1965 and live in the UK.

This blog is about how a disturbed and stolen childhood distorts the adult self. I wrote diaries, stories, poems and projects, all holding clues to my dark beginnings. The reader will find my artwork, diary excerpts and my research. Ultimately, I wish to share what I have learned.

My work spans how I uncovered the truth about my toddlerhood at the age of 51. Yes, my toddlerhood. Read how my diaries, artwork, and family history slowly revealed a terrible truth, hidden for decades. This prologue tells the story from the beginning. From here, you can follow the 10‑part series that leads to the moment I learned the truth.

When the Truth Leaked Out

This article looks at the beliefs that shaped my identity before I discovered the dark truth about my toddlerhood. Not until 21 October 2016 at the age of 51, would the lie I've lived, vanish into a mirage.

I am about to uncover something horrific. The circumstances that led to this discovery are complex and true. This condensed version is told in 10 parts following this prologue. However, the full story can be found within my book, Mirror Image Shattered.

This is what I thought I knew about myself until the age of 51.

My Family and Early Identity

I am an identical twin and daughter to troubled but well-meaning parents. The cottage that I grew up in was cramped, as I have four other siblings and we had little money. But Dad knew about renovation and he built an extension with a guestroom where Nan used to stay.

Childhood Memoir Prologue: Where it all Began

When I was 4, Dad quit the family business and worked nights for a car company. But the brutal hours proved too much and he became mentally ill. We were plunged into abject poverty. Soon, he developed psychotic episodes with violent outbursts and an addiction to tranquilizers. Being so ill, he took the guestroom and Nan could no longer stay there.

The following is an excerpt from Mirror Image Shattered:

"Mum appeared the survivor under adversity. She was a fierce, matriarchal, and overprotective woman who upheld routine such as school and church. On a severe budget, she made her purse-strings go for miles and performed miracles at Christmases and birthdays."

Of course, I looked up to her.

But of all my siblings, I resembled Dad the most. When I was disobedient, Mum used to tell me I was just like him. It hurt, but I could see the resemblance for myself. I shared his features, his demeanour and creative inclinations. Worse, I feared I would become mentally ill like him and be a bad parent myself. For this reason, I didn’t start a family until my late thirties.

My Diary Years

A chaotic childhood with a mentally ill parent appeared to explain my lifelong intrusive thoughts and a dirty-blame feeling that used to afflict me for weeks on end. No one but my twin Eve knew about it, for these experiences so distressed me.


My diaries contain lots of information throughout the late seventies and eighties

The diaries I kept between 1977 and 1988 allude to my inner turmoil for the numerous diversions I employed: oil painting, jigsaws, toy-making, doll pantos, a weather project, astronomy, entertaining younger siblings and many more. But novel writing in particular was the most prevalent. I had a secret childhood familiar called Aidan whom I kept drawing and who lived within an alternative reality within me. In my teens, my children's mysteries would evolve into psychological thrillers fuelled by his fate within my secret fantasy world.

The following is an abridged excerpt from Mirror Image Shattered.

“My diary shows my weather readings, stuff about my exams, degree, jobs, moving house and details of literary agents. At times, I seem a bit of a sad-case, moaning about my periods, turbulent social life and boyfriends.

 
Between the pages, I could tell I struggled with growing up within a hectic household. I had the sense of living a boot-camp of emotional experiences - highs as well as lows."

My Teenage Years

The cottage-times were Jekyll and Hyde. When times were good, they were great, when they were bad, they were terrible, but being an identical twin formed a buffer for whatever life had to throw at me.

My challenging childhood toughened me into adulthood, developing a down-to-earth and practical approach. Being close to my siblings, we often reminisce on the good times: the playhouse, bike rides, Christmases and family gatherings. But rose-tinted glasses can be misleading.

My Adulthood

So, I thought I had turned out ‘ok’ after a difficult start in life. I had attained a BA Fine Art Degree from City University, had several jobs, married an art student Mark and maintained a flat. I continued writing and painting and even made a little money from it.

My life finally settled down 2 years after my divorce from Mark. I am at present living contentedly with my partner and two children. I had laid to rest old childhood grievances and received a spot of counselling for my intrusive thoughts. I have also proved to myself, that I can be a decent parent after all.

The Turning Point in My Life

So how did I uncover the pain of my toddlerhood? This story is a little complex and is told in 10 parts following this prologue. This next part explains how it all began.

In order to protect identities, I have changed names and certain details, but this story is otherwise entirely accurate. Part 1 begins the journey.

Part 1: A Day at the Beach

Home

The moment I learned the truth
How I learned about my toddlerhood
My book Mirror Image Shattered
About my diaries

Themes in my work
Links to my other articles