Part 8: Trigger — The Moment a Buried Memory Broke Through

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A sudden emotional trigger in adulthood has unlocked long‑buried memories and accelerates my journey toward realisation. I am about to learn the horrible truth about my life.

I have been gleaning my novels looking for clues about the day my twin had cut her face at the age of 4. I had dashed out of the cottage on seeing blood. It would appear that my novels are expressing traumas that I have stored in my subconscious.

I discover recurrent elements within scenes: broken glass, disfigured faces, characters dashing to a hideout and terrible guilt. I am astounded at what I have found within my novels.

A New Ugly Picture

During the reading of my final novel, Nadia, I discover the inclusion of a character I had based on Uncle Dan. I wonder why I had put him there. He wasn't present during Eve's accident and he rarely visited the cottage. I assumed he had nothing to do with me, as I was only 3 when he stayed. And yet I seemed to know enough to use him in my novel.
 
The following is an abridged excerpt from my book Mirror Image Shattered.

"The next scene in my novel is about to unearth a horrific memory I had buried for almost 50 years. After reading it, the memory opens up to me. It is silent and everything in my brain appears to shut down.

I put the pen down and lay on my side.

I feel sick."

The time had been around 10pm, 21 October 2016. Until then, I truly believed I had lived a cosseted life in the cottage with only my siblings, parents and occasionally Nan. Dad’s mental illness, poverty and Mum’s depressive moods appeared to explain my intrusive thoughts and a childhood familiar whom I called Aidan. I believed I had lost my virginity at age of 19 to my third boyfriend.

The Man I Saw in My Chest

On seeing Eve's unconscious form on Mum's lap after her trip to the hospital, I had seen a man's face rise in my chest. This had been a somatic memory of my uncle, only I didn't know what it was at the time. I had believed the man had been imaginary. Horribly, he had been real.

The sight of my identical twin's unconscious body had 'reminded' me of how I had looked after being suffocated by my uncle.

The Missing Year

I would later learn that Mum’s half-brother had installed himself in our cottage, not for a few days, but for over a year in 1968. My twin Eve and I were mere toddlers at the time.

Floor plan of bedroom in 1968: Mirror Image Shattered
Sleeping arrangements when my uncle stayed in our cottage 1968 (Mirror Image Shattered)

The upper image shows the sleeping arrangements when my uncle first came to stay. We had bunks and he slept in the guest room. The lower image shows where would sleep later in the year: in a partition room next to ours.

Part 9: Suffocation Memory Or go back to part 7

About this blog
The moment I learned the truth
How I learned about my toddlerhood
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About my diaries
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Intro

Welcome — I’m Madeleine Watson, a memoirist, artist and diarist. For more than forty years I’ve lived a lie. I have documented my journey to the dark truth about my toddlerhood through writing, artwork and research. This blog brings together everything I've discovered at the age of 51 — a discovery that reshaped everything I believed about myself.

My work spans childhood trauma, identity, memory, twinhood and the ways early experiences echo through adult life. Here you’ll find memoirs, diary excerpts, artwork, family‑history, research and reflections drawn from decades of personal documentation.

If you’re new, the best place to begin is the Start Here page, which introduces the prologue and the 10‑part series that leads to the moment I learned the truth about my past. You can also visit About Me to learn more about my background and the purpose behind this project.

Thank you for reading.

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